Can Purell be used as lube?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
