So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
