When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
