Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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