Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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