You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
