sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
