Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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