There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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