Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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