I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
