I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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