I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
