Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just pee around me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
