I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
