i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Randomize
