I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
