I just cut my nipple shaving
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
