Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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