y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My cat gives me a boner
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
