I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
