i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
