The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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