3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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