Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
