3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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