I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
