I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
