just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This house was built for laser tag.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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