my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
