Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
