i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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