from now on my penis is your penis
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
