Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
