it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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