i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Damn victory sex feels great
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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