I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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