i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
