About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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