Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
