JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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