well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
