I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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