I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There's always time for handjobs
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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