maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
