The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
someone owes me an orgasm
Do vagina's smell?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.