if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on