i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just cropdusted the office
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.