I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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