I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
