He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
