I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
