You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
