i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
