I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
