My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
