Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
