Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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