when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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