Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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