I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
