sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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